Mothering vs Parenting

As a mother you can sometimes feel that you are in a social goldfish bowl, on display for everyone to see. Waiting patiently for your every mistake and flaw to be picked up and examined under a magnifying glass. Or for that "really helpful" relative who is on hand as old rope, having "been there and done that before" pointing out how you're doing things wrong, and the best way is to do this...........

We read articles, both in preparation and in training for motherhood about, how best to look after this new bundle, yet are met rigorously with both contradiction and constant changes in expectations, trends and research.

On one hand we are told to mother our baby, be there for their every need to build up their confidence and their trust, so that they know that you will always be there. Yet in the next breathe, we are told to leave them to scream the frigging house down to "self soothe". (I assure you there is nothing soothing about it) and that when we enter the room we should be calm, patient and melodious. Have you ever tried to be calm? patient? Or melodious on about 2 hours sleep, having spent weeks in ground hog day? Well there is very little standing in the way between a total obis of a snotty sobbing exhausted motherness mess, and that very moment; I am pretty confident there was nothing mother nature like about it.

When our babies are young we are encouraged to "Mother" them, in fact it is pretty much engrained into us that "mothering" is the undisputed approach to raising a child; And that failing to "mother" them we are harming their progress. So to avoid these horrors and judgements from the "soy chocca moka latte and buggy brigade", we bend over backwards breaking our backs to ensure that we do everything we possibly can to ensure our child has everything they could possibly need, and everything that they don't.

From the parent child conflict resolution module to the "lets talk about our emotions" chat, only to then be beaten with the mother stick when you are scalded for putting a KitKat in their school lunch box instead of the £6 organic dried flakes, or for not getting the "right shade" of green for their school jumper. You are simply not "mothering" enough!

Yet when your bundle of joy becomes a teenager, you are left facing a new challenge! You have spent the last 14 years perfecting your role of "mothering", to a standard that has become socially acceptable and has now obverted the judgemental looks from the mothers in the "soy chocca mocha latte and buggy brigade", and now you're being told you are "too mothering" in fact you are now "seriously damaging your Childs independence" by simply being the mother that society has groomed you to be. It is as if over night, all of a sudden, someone changed not just the rule book, but the whole bloody game.

Now this new game "parenting" requires you to uproot everything that you have learnt and rather than perfecting their personal presentation and encouraging social "play dates" you find yourself in the mirrored universe or having to ignore your Childs behaviours by allowing them to "express themselves" and to not "impress yourself" and "your personality" on them by correcting them. Instead we are told we should be respecting their decision, even when we can see the problems ahead, and "respect their privacy" even when they're off out for the night, and you want to know their savouriness of their most recent crew.

We spend years snapping ourselves in half to protect, help, support and nurture our babies only to, in a blink of an eye have the world flipped into chaos over night, and then to be told that we are "too protective, whilst trying to help and support" and have become "stifling" to their personal development. In short we are "too protective", we are now too mothering.

It is hardly surprising that when the argument of whether the strategy of to "mother", or to "parent" comes up we feel both on the fence and hung out to dry at the same time.

With the "soy chocca mocha latte and buggy brigade" judging us in society, and the helpful but maybe not so eloquent family members sharing their life experience of "how it was done in their day..." it is easy, as a mother of any age child to feel like you are unable to win, leaving them feeling isolated, judged and riddled with "mummy guilt"

It was once said to me

"you never stop being a mother, you simply learn to rediscover your worth."

And this is so true, with both of my boys now in the almost adult world I realise as every mother does, you sacrifice yourself willingly for the needs of your children. It is not until they are able to manage their own day to day lives that you realise you

So next time you see a mother whether that be a new mum or one who has graduated out of their darlings childhood, teenagerhood and are trying treading the path of rediscovery now their children have left home. Just remember they are doing the best they can to navigate this every changing landscape.